Ikea to Release A DJ Table That Dances Five

With a special eye on the EDM community, Ikea is ready to roll out a new DJing table to take the constant barrage of the entertainers leaving a loop on mid-set so they can stand on their desk and talk in to microphone while dancing along with their fans.

“Sometimes EDM DJs fail to get the crowd going with the music they play and so have to resort to some other tactic to win them over and let them know that they’re having a good time,”  stated an IKEA rep. “Some might take to the mic, do heart hands, fist pump or pose like Christ on the cross – but one sure-fire way to let the audience think that they’re at a legitimate event is to stand on the table and dance about for a minute like you’re a rock star.”

“Some DJs in the underground prefer the tactic of actually playing good music to get a crowd going but most commercial DJs prefer to stand on the desk and let their celebrity encourage the fickle crowd,” he continued. “It’s just easier to show a famous face than skill.”

“Unfortunately some of the tables aren’t designed to take the weight of a 12 stone habitual drug user who plays other people’s music for too much money, so it needs to be re-enforced with tensile steel legs beneath a synthetic basalt top that won’t scratch, even when you chop lines out on it or stain it with expensive vodka and prostitute goo,” the source said. “Even DJ Carnage could use this table with fear of it collapsing under his weight.”

“I sometimes feel like I’m a sort of musical deity when I play other people’s records on a piece of machinery a child could master,” explained Skrillex’s opening DJ,  Diplo. “And sometimes, when I feel like that, I like to let the crowd drown me in adulation, so I take to the desk.”

“One thing I don’t want to happen is for that desk to collapse while I’m showboating selfishly, so I’m glad IKEA have come out this desk cause it’s really been one of the things the scene has needed along with a fascination for useless bling, drops and me.”

They specs say that they desk can hold four to five DJs at a time and will come with a slide out mirror, a drink holder and a lazer pointer.  For real.

What happened to a DJ just rocking in a park, like Grand Wizard did?



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