How To Tell If You’re At a Dad Concert

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Rock and roll may live forever, but youth and rocking out certainly does not. Dad concerts. You know the ones. They’re filled with middle aged dudes trying their best to relive their glory days before marriage, kids, a mortgage and you know, real life tamed the wild stallions that they once were.

Well just in case you are one of the uninitiated into this (sad) world, the Dallas Observer has compiled a top ten list of signs you’re at a dad concert.

Some highlights include:

10. Everyone got to the concert on time.
Because it’s punk to be punctual. Dad might have even been a couple minutes early, because his time-management skills are fucking on point. He definitely found the venue with the help of Siri or some other manner of expensive GPS, which Dad constantly uses in a town he’s lived in for more than 30 years. (Honestly, have you ever driven around Plano?)

9. The smell of dip spit overpowers the smell of weed.
Dad snuck in his own spit cup. And so did 5,000 of his dad friends. Your dad isn’t against smoking pot, but he does have to party responsibly tonight so that he nails his big presentation tomorrow. Wouldn’t want to puke all over his power tie. Of course, if Dad is still living the rebel lifestyle, he wouldn’t want to puke on his Sturgis T-shirt either. 

and of course:

7. Drunken cougar dancing.
Like a voodoo-cursed corpse of an embezzler, older women at concerts become infected by the rhythm and booze around them. And lo, they rise and move their limbs in a herky-jerky fashion that’s best described as a cross between being electrocuted and a toddler learning to walk. Unfortunately for you, there’s no escaping these ladies’ gravitational pull, and you are quickly surrounded by a sea of arms slowly waving in the air, and asses slowly shaking.

To see the full top ten list, head to The Dallas Observer.

 

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